


Trying

by theminiummark



Series: Love Sighted [2]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Angst with a Happy Ending, Infertility, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 18:48:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11903970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theminiummark/pseuds/theminiummark
Summary: They are trying for a second child. Trying and trying and trying. Months of trying.Set in the Love Sighted Verse.





	Trying

Sidney threw the pregnancy test at the mirror, and gripped the sides of the counter of the vanity. He took great gulping breaths to calm down and keep the tears that burned and blurred his vision away. 

He sighs out again, covering his face with his hands and allowing his eyes to close, which meant the tears he had been trying to hold in, escaped to cling to his eyelashes. 

He took a few long minutes to gather himself together, to lock it all down again. He splashed cold water up on his face, taking the redness and tears away.

Once again, negative. They had been trying for another baby for almost a year, and yet...nothing.

Sidney didn't know what to do. All he could do was shove the hurt, the feelings of failure, down deep, and put on a face that made Zhenya and the country proud.

~~

Sidney supposed he should be used to the media poking their noses into their personal life. Somehow he always forgets how insensitive they were to such intimate topics. 

He had completely shut down at the question from the gaggle of reporters that had stopped him and Nadya on the way home from a day out with Sidney’s parents. They didn’t quite come out and ask directly, but the tone and the question left nothing in the dark. 

“Prince Sidney, when can we hear about a younger sibling for Nadya?”

They could not have known that Sidney has been struggling with this for months. That each time they try, and try again, and every month he isn’t pregnant, he grieves anew. He has kept it hidden, as well as he could, the longing, turning into desperation, for another baby. 

Their question only brought forth the feelings of failure that had been building with each negative pregnancy test, and all he could do is bundle Nadya to his chest, climb into the car, and shake with all the repressed emotions.

He missed the concerned glances from his driver and bodyguard, too focused on controlling his breathing and fixing the headband in Nadya’s hair. 

~~

Zhenya cursed himself five different ways on the drive home. He caught James’ eyes as he looked over his shoulder at him from the front seat, but he could only shake his head to himself in disgust.

 

He had ignored the issue they were both facing, forcing the disappointment and hurt away, choosing to focus on his work.

What a mistake that was, according to the loud and long conversation he had with Pascal. Of all people he knew how Sidney dealt with his own hurt. He should have recognized the signs and supported his husband.

Reminded of the first year of their marriage, Zhenya cursed again. Once again, his own selfishness caused him to lose sight of what was important: his husband, his family.

He hoped Sidney could forgive him again. It seemed he needed a lot of ground to cover to his husband, as he had left him in the open and undefended again.

~~

Zhenya arrived late in the night, well into the first hours of the morning. But for all the lateness of the hour, his arrival was still two days earlier than expected. 

He checked in on Nadya first, sleeping the deep sleep that only a child can have, on her stomach, arms curled under her, bottom in the air. He looked his fill of her for a long moment, watching the soothing colors from her night light wash over her face. 

He tried to hold onto the peace he found, counting his daughter’s breaths. He needed to be stronger now. Sidney and their family needed Zhenya, the father, the husband, more than they needed the Crown Prince.

He stopped running away and went to find his husband. 

~~

Sidney sat in their room with all the lights turned off, only the moonlight shining in through the space in the curtains giving any illumination. His thoughts kept turning morose and keeping his spirits positive with every failed test made it hard to stay positive. The last ten months they actively tried for a baby. It wasn’t that long of a time. He knew that there were others who waited longer, and some who never were able to have children. 

Even with his head knowing these simple truths, he still felt as though he failed. His body failed him. His heart ached in his chest for longing. Outside of his own failure to Zhenya and the Crown, he hurt deeply over the prospect of not having another child to hold. Another child to love and bring up, one who is a new combination of both Sidney and Zhenya. 

Sidney, lost to his thoughts, startled when strong arms came around his shoulders. He took a shuddering breath, relaxing into Zhenya’s hold. 

“I thought you weren’t back until tomorrow?” He asked quietly. He heard Zhenya sigh behind him, before he came around the sofa to sit on the table in front of Sidney. Zhenya took his hands, smoothing his thumb over his knuckles. 

“I came back early,” Zhenya replied, just as low. “I heard about the media.”

Sidney tensed and tried to pull his hands away from Zhenya’s, but his hold was firm. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Zhenya. 

“I’m sorry, Sidney.”

Sidney’s eyes widened. He didn’t expect that! He looked up at Zhenya, but this time it was he who was avoiding Sidney’s eyes. 

“I’ve failed as your husband,” Zhenya continued. “I buried myself in work instead of thinking of you.”

He looked up then, their eyes catching. Even in the dim light of the room, Sidney could see the shine of tears in Zhenya’s eyes. 

“My priority should always be you. If it’s not, then everything else will fall and be ruined. And I forgot that. I am so sorry.”

Sidney’s head already was shaking, even as Zhenya tried to continue. He reached for Zhenya, pulling him in close, letting his head fall into his neck. He rubbed his hand down Zhenya’s back, while the other carded into his hair. 

“We both are at fault, here, Zhenya,” Sidney said, voice shaken. “I’m sorry, too.”

Zhenya looked up, his face fierce. “No! This is not on you, Sidney!”

Sidney just shook his head, cupping his husband’s face and kissing him quiet. He stood then, towing Zhenya behind them to the bedroom. 

“Zhenya, in this, let’s not lay fault,” he said almost in a whisper. “Let’s just be together in this?”

Zhenya nodded, pulling Sidney into him, holding him tight. Sidney closed his eyes and allowed himself to lean, just for a bit. 

~~

Zhenya watched his husband sleep. He didn’t sleep much himself, too busy planning and thinking and hoping. 

He wanted to find a way to help. He knew that they needed time. Sidney was under such pressure, and Zhenya had not aided him in anyway. Now that he was here, he could see the toll the last few months had taken on Sidney. He was thin and pale, with shadows under his eyes. He slept deeply in Zhenya’s arms. Zhenya fiercely guarded that sleep, and promised himself that he would not allow Sidney to face this alone any longer. 

They needed to get away and reconnect. Take time to see to just the desires of the other. 

Zhenya thought of just the place. The mountain retreat was special to them. They had become closer, away from all the city distractions, early in their marriage, and Zhenya had told Sidney he loved him there. 

As the morning sun lit up their room, his mind was alight with plans to make their getaway a reality. 

~~

Zhenya took them back to the mountain lodge. It were they have had all of their growing times, the tough conversations that have lead to better things, both in their own relationship, but also in other areas of their life. 

This is where Zhenya had started seeing Sidney as his husband, the man he would choose to love every day, instead of the man his parents chose for him to marry. 

He told Sidney that he loved him here. It was a special place to the both of them. 

Zhenya was hoping that their time here could help heal some of the hurt that has been festering in them these last few months. He knows it can’t be fixed with a getaway trip, but he is hoping it can be a start. 

~~

Their first morning at the lodge was quiet. Sidney felt like he didn’t have the words to disturb the silence that surrounded them. It was in the fact that the silence was comfortable, that Sid was able to let it be. 

He spent a long time just looking out the window. 

Sidney had never thought he would have trouble in having children. Now, he almost felt as though Nadia is the exception, the miracle, rather than the standard. 

How is it, when they planned for this child, a child born from both of them and the love they had both accepted, he was unable to make it happen. 

When Zhenya came into the room from wherever he had been, Sidney turned to look at him. Other than a few times since that night, they had not spoken but a few times of the trial they were facing here. Sidney knew that Zhenya thought long and hard about matters of the heart and soul, and this was certainly something he could see had been moving the both of them. 

Zhenya came to him, kneeling on the floor at his feet, one arm slung over Sidney’s lap, grasping his clasped hands, the other balled in a fist, holding up his chin, resting on Sidney’s knees. 

When the words came, they were not what they expected. 

“You know, I asked my mother how she felt.”

Sidney tilted his head to the side. Where was this coming from?

Zhenya looked at their entwined hands, playing along Sidney’s fingertips. “She had two miscarriages before I was born,” he said, his voice soft and sad. He looked up to meet Sidney’s eyes. “And I know it’s not exactly the same, but I knew...I knew I was coming from this from a different place from you. I wanted to understand. To know how to be better for you.”

Sidney had to swallow his tears back, and it burned when he did. He closed his eyes against the truth of it.

Before we was ready, and maybe he would never be ready, Zhenya continued. 

“What can I do?” he asked, and the pain of his sincerity hurt his heart. “What can I do to take some of the burden, the disappointment?”

Sidney lost his battle against his tears, and theys spilled over as he leaned over to sob into Zhenya’s hands. 

“Hold me? Just hold me for now.”

They sat there for a long time, until Sidney had to haul Zhenya to his feet, his knees stiff from kneeling for his husband. The day ended with soft sighs and tender touches, as they both participated in caring for each other. 

~~

The next day, after several moments of pursed lips and brooding looks, Sidney finally worked out what he wanted to say. 

“I think I - we need to take the pressure off.”

Zhenya looked at him, remaining silent, unmoving except for reaching out to take Sidney’s hand. 

“I know some of this is my own doing. I _want_ to give you more children. I want to give the Crown more heirs, but,” he took a deep breath. “I feel like I fail you and all of our subjects, every time the test comes up negative.”

Zhenya’s hand tightened around his. 

“So, I think I’m going to try denial for a bit,” Sidney said, a self-depreciating smile on his face. His gaze turns fond when he took in Zhenya. He caressed Zhenya’s cheek, leaving it in place when Zhenya leans into his touch. “That way it can be like it should be again. Just you, me, and Nadia. Anything else is bonus.”

Zhenya smiled, his face echoing the calm that finally shown on Sidney’s face. 

“That sounds perfect.”

~~

They spent the rest of their break, just enjoying each other and renewing their physical bond, now that they had worked through all of the worst that had been troubling their hearts and minds. 

They returned home, determined to return back to enjoying their family. There were still days where they both struggled with the fact that their family still remained just three, but it started getting easier, and the hard days didn’t seem as hard, when they were in this together. 

~~

It was just starting to feel like autumn, and Zhenya woke with a cold. Sidney tried to keep in his amusement, but Zhenya was grumbling and groaning like a bear and he knew he wasn’t succeeding in hiding the affectionate smile that came out every time Zhenya scowled at the clock. 

“Am I going to have to go and stay in Nadya’s room?”

Sidney’s question made Zhenya’s glare move from the clock to his face. Sidney was glad when Zhenya’s expression lightened when it lighted on his face, only to have to hold in his laughter as it morphed into a petulant pout. 

“No,” he growled. Or tried. It came out a little stuffy. 

Sidney let his smile show as he came near, bending down to touch his forehead to his husband’s. His smile turned to a frown, though, as he felt the clammy, heated skin. 

“Why don’t I go out at get some medicine for you?” Sidney asked softly. 

“We have some, just ask Duper?”

“Then why haven’t you taken any?”

“Makes me tired.”

“Well, sleep is what you need.”

“I have a meeting.”

Sidney sent Zhenya a pointed look. 

“I’m not that bad!” Zhenya defended, weakly, the sniffling making his denial sound even worse. 

“If you go out like this,” Sidney said, crossing his arms. “You will end up getting everyone else sick. You will certainly be doing a wonderful job then.”

Zhenya just looked at him, eyebrows pinched together, like he hadn’t even thought that he might be spreading his sickness.

“I think I’ll go back to bed.”

“Shall I tell Pascal to cancel things for a few days?” Sidney offered the suggestion, hoping Zhenya was ready to give up the fight. 

“Just today,” Zhenya pouted. As he snuggled under the covers, though, Sidney decided to take it into his own hands. Sidney called Pascal and cancelled not only Zhenya’s appointments, but all of his as well. Slipping back in bed, he brought Zhenya’s head into his lap, and settled in for the day. Nadya would be with her nanny for the day, and so he couldn’t think of any other place he needed to be. 

~~ 

Zhenya woke that afternoon feeling better than he had all day. Sidney’s hands were in his hair, rubbing small, soothing circles. They were barechested, lying nestled in bed against the headboard with pillows propping them up just right. Zhenya had his head nestled in Sidney’s neck. He closed his eyes, breathing in Sidney. He smelled so good and his hands felt so nice. 

All day Sidney had been right there every time Zhenya needed him, with a drink or a smile. He got used to that in a hurry, having Sidney all to himself. He thought if Sidney was going to be his nurse, he might just be persuaded to stay in bed for the rest of the week. 

Feeling a little playful, Zhenya set his mouth to Sidney’s throat, leaving open mouthed kisses on the skin he had in reach. 

Sidney let out a little chuckle, ducking his head as Zhenya pulled back to smile into his eyes.

“Feeling better?” Sidney asked. Zhenya loved the way Sidney smiled. His eyes would crinkle and his grin was a little bit crooked. He hummed in agreement as he leaned up to kiss Sidney, sighing into his mouth at how good it felt. 

They lay there like that, kissing deep, unhurried kisses. Mouths open, tongues slipping in to caress against each other and lick along lips. Zhenya practically purred, though, when Sid let out a long, breathy moan, his hips involuntarily thrusting to rub against Zhenya’s hip. 

“Mmmm,” he said, letting his hands wander down, his bing hand cupping Sidney’s ass just the way he liked. Squeezing, he took Sidney’s giggle as his own as he kissed him deeper. 

Sidney pulled back with a smile. 

“It’s like that, is it?” he asked, head tilted to the side a bit, “You feeling up for it?”

Zhenya just growled in response, pulling Sidney to lie completely on top of him. He thrusted up, the hard hot heat of his erection pushing along Sidney’s own, making his hips stutter down to match Zhenya’s pace. 

“Does that feel like I’m not feeling up for it?” Zhenya rumbled, his voice hoarse from lust and illness, deepening it to a rough, low octave, that had shivers running down Sidney’s spine. His toes curled against Zhenya’s shins as they kissed deep and long. 

Soon, Zhenya’s hand crept up Sidney’s shirt, making it bunch up around his armpits, while his other hand slid down into Sidney’s underwear, smoothing along the skin of his ass, before his fingers fluttered over his hole. 

Sidney moaned into Zhenya’s mouth before sitting back on his heels and ripping his shirt over his head. He tipped his head back and groaned, as Zhenya’s hands followed the lines of his body. They stopped at his nipples, tugging until he whined, before moving down to dip just below the loose soft trousers he wore. Snapping back to the task at hand, Sidney moved back from those hands. 

He crawled along the long limbs of his husband, taking off Zhenya’s boxer briefs as he went. Kisses followed, trailing along the skin being left behind. He stripped Zhenya completely of clothes, eyeing him all the way up to his flushed face. 

“Let me take care of you.”

Zhenya nodded, eyes tracking every move Sidney made as he stripped himself of his trousers and underwear, he grabbed the lubricant they liked to use best from the nightstand drawer, before sliding back in between Zhenya’s legs. Sidney coated his left hand's fingers liberally, before bending down to take Zhenya deep into his mouth. 

Zhenya had to shut his eyes for a long moment, as he watched his dick disappear into that lovely mouth. He opened his eyes long enough to see Sidney fingering himself as he bobbed his head, and he had to shut them again to keep his orgasm from coming too soon. It wasn’t enough. 

“Sidney, Sid,” he said, voice hoarse from holding back. “You have to stop, or I’ll be done far too quickly.”

Sidney looked up with a grin, his hair curled away from his forehead. 

“You don’t want me to finish you like this?”

Zhenya had to close his eyes and just breathe as Sidney licked the tip of his cock in the most sexy, cheeky - not even in his deepest thoughts would he had though sex with Sidney would be like this. Every time was new. Sidney surprised him constantly. 

He reached for Sidney, and was met with Sidney coming up to kiss him. Sidney broke the kiss by getting his feet under him, grasping Zhenya’s cock in his right hand and he lowered himself to feel Zhenya right up against his hole. 

With a deep breath, Sidney bore down and allowed his body to sink down onto Zhenya. Zhenya was far past words, and let out his appreciation in a long groan, his grasping a firm handful of Sidney’s ass. 

There was no respite. Sidney immediately set an intense pace, pulling himself up with those gorgeous thigh muscles only to come back firmly down, taking Zhenya in as deep as possible on each thrust. 

Zhenya get’s his wits about him to starting trusting with Sidney, making these punched out moans come out of his throat, his head thrown back. Sidney takes himself in hand, and his hand flies over his dick, and Zhenya doesn’t know where he wants look. 

Sidney starts to lose his rhythm. He hunches forward a bit when he comes, hot and thick over Zhenya’s chest. The look in Sidney’s eyes and the feel of Sidney’s orgasm around his dick, pushes him over the edge. Sidney comes to his knees, then lays part on Zhenya, part on the bed as they catch their breath. 

Sidney traces his fingers through his come on Zhenya’s chest, before leaning over to lick some up before it drips down to the sheets. 

Zhenya groans, long, before he shoves Sidney away from him. 

“Go, you tease of a man,” he huffs. “Or I’ll never recover.” 

Sidney laughs as he gets up and walks naked to the bathroom, looking over his shoulder when he gets to the door. 

“But I hear steam from the shower is good a cold?”

Zhenya groans again, but it’s half hearted. Soon enough he finds himself under the shower spray, hands following the water all across his husband’s body. 

Not a bad way to spend a day, sick in bed. 

~~

Zhenya had gotten back to the palace very late last night after a week-long councilor’s retreat. They had shut themselves away from all other responsibilities to hammer out a foreign policy in readiness before the new year. With every moment spent thinking, talking, and dreaming about policies and law, it was finally done and he got to go home to his husband, to his little girl - their family.

So tired was he, that he fell into bed next to Sidney - fully clothed - just to breathe in the smell of home and Sid. He had ended up passing out there with his shoes still on his feet and his shirt still tucked in.

He woke to the sun streaming on his face. He scrunched up his face in annoyance, and rolled over to get comfortable again. As he settled, he realized he was still in his slacks and shirt, which unusual as that was; he also had rolled over something that crinkled as he moved.

Throwing a blind hand out, searching aimlessly until he lit upon a now crumpled slip of paper. Bringing it blearily to his face, he squinted his eyes to read the note.

“I’m pregnant.”

Now fully awake, Zhenya shot out of bed, frantically looking around the room as he called out. “Sid? Sidney?”

With no answer forthcoming, he lurched to the joining doors that separated their rooms. Now a normal feature in their lives, he rushed through the doors to Sidney’s room. “Sid?” He looked in the closet and adjoining bathroom to see no slip or scrap of his husband.

Huffing in exasperation, he stalked back to his room to look for his phone. Not finding it in its usual spot, he patted down his pockets of his slacks and fished it out to call is errant husband. Finding the phone dead was really not helping his disposition.

Walking to the intercom in his sitting room, he paged down to Pascal. “Duper, where is Sidney?”

“Well, good morning, Your Majesty!” Came Pascal’s chipper voice through the speaker. “I trust you slept well?”

His annoyance growing, Zhenya glared at the intercom. “Fine,” He growled out. “Now, this is important. Where can I find Sidney at this time?”

Hearing Pascal chuckle at him as he clicked through Sid’s schedule was _not helping_ and he clinched his fists, crushing the note he still held. That made him freeze and bring the paper to wall to smooth it back out.

“I’m pregnant.”

Elation and wonder was filling him now, making the urgency to find Sid and make sure he was alright even more of a top priority.

Pascal’s voice brought him back to reality. “The Prince Consort will be arriving to meet with the Council of Veteran Affairs at 12:30pm for a lunch meeting. Currently, he is touring the grounds of the new conservatory. Shall I have Patric ready your car?”

Knowing Sid as he did, he knew that he would be arriving at his lunch early to meet with the members of the council and mingle. That gave Zhenya enough time to shower and intercept his now expecting husband.

“Tell him to be ready in 30.” With that Zhenya hurried into this bathroom, mind whirling with thoughts of Sidney round again, this time with another blend of he and Sidney. He couldn’t wait to see him. 

~~

It was like the universe knew that Zhenya needed to talk with his husband. He arrived at the conservatory just as the tour was concluding. Not seeing Sidney among the group, he followed James along a winding path. He tried to remain calm and polite and keep his steps smooth and measured, but his heart was already racing ahead of him. Finally, he found Sidney, sitting on a bench below bower of wisteria. His back was to Zhenya, but he somehow knew he was being watched, as he looked back to catch Zhenya’s eyes with his own. 

Sidney’s face blossomed into a smile. Zhenya was hopeless to go to him, his long legs eating up the ground between them. He practically leapt the bench to take Sidney in this is arm and into a deep kiss. 

“It’s true?” he asked Sidney, voice scarcely more than a whisper against his lips. Sidney’s joy was spilling from his face, making the air between them seem lighter. He nodded, too overcome for words. 

Zhenya’s hand cupped Sidney’s face.

“How are you feeling?”

“Very, very good.”

“You’re very sure?”

“Yes. I’ve been feeling different. I took about five tests to make sure,” Sidney said, almost breathless. “We have an appointment in two days for an ultrasound.”

“When, Sid? When we were in the mountains?”

Sidney giggled, shaking his head. “Not that long ago.” His giggle was infectious and Zhenya almost started himself. “I think it was when you had your cold.” Sidney’s smile turned wicked. 

“You _were_ a great nurse.”

Zhenya’s laugh joined Sidney’s as he blushed. 

~~

**Author's Note:**

> While this work does mention a fictional account of a couple working through infertility issues, this is a very happy outcome that really made me, as the author, happy. In reality, it can be a longer, harder, and very heart breaking road. This work is not meant to detract from that struggle, but offer a hopeful and happy end to a part of life that often doesn't go this way. 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading! Be good to each other. If you like this work, you can also find me on my [tumblr](http://theminiummark.tumblr.com/), often talking about hockey.


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